No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
