New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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