Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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