Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
