once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I have already put on my inside pants.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
