i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
