i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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