My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
