The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
