She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
