areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
