her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
