When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
