I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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