You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You are the jesus of drinking
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
