I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
