I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Every concussion has its silver lining
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
