Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
