just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
