Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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