Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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