My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
