Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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