What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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