i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
