I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
