i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
