Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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