I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
