Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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