Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
