According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
