glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
