zippers are such a cool invention
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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