What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
