I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
