i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
