so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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