no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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