Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
