I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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