He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
