So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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