I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
