there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
