She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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