the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
