There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
