Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
