Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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