the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
