someone get that fucking seahorse.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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