Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I can't turn off my feet"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
